I've Made a Decision

A really, really, really, really hard one. One I've been thinking about for, well, years, but was to afraid to act on.

I'm leaving my husband.

Oh not today, not next month, but soon. I have no reliable income at the moment, and my husband's "new" (again) job provides us with health insurance (for the first time in six years), and
I don't want to end up living in my car with no health insurance. I can be wise about this.

I'm not going to tell him about this until I'm ready. No way. There's no telling how he'll react or what he'll do.

I came to this decision after reading an article in O the Oprah Magazine while soaking in the tub. I usually don't read the articles, but just look at the pictures. It's a guilty pleasure. Times I have read it in the past, it has felt very holier-than-thou, one-size fits-all-ish. The makeup tips are ridiculous, the clothing I could never afford, even with a permanent job, and the interviews with celebrities are just...patronizing and dull. But there is a lot of pretty and shiny and Oprah does advocate for those of shall we say, fluffier proportions, as well as other hot topics like mental illness and other challenges. And the book section usually has some really fabulous recommendations that I might not otherwise see anywhere.

So one of the columnists, she's one of those "life coaches," Martha Beck, had a column about getting rid of things that don't make you happy whether it's a hobby, a job, or a relationship: Just get rid of it.
"Ha!" I thought to myself. "If only it were that easy."

But it is. It really is. I thought about all the things in my marriage that aren't working. I'll list them here for clarity:

We do not have similar likes or beliefs in any of the following:

• food
• liquor
• TV
• Movies
• music
• religion or "G*d" issues
• money
• Books

We have five things in common:

• politics (Progressive)
• eating crap (fast food, buffets, dessert, candy)
• cold(er) weather
• travel
  

That's not a lot to base a marriage on. A friendship, perhaps, but not a marriage. We used to have sex in common, but we both seem to have lost interest in that as well. I don't remember the last time we had sex, but I would say around Halloween, if I had to guess, and it would be a guess.

He also:

• Does not clean anything, ever. He has his own bathroom. I don't think it's been cleaned in a year. It's so disgustingly dirty that I've noticed he's started using either my bathroom (until I called him out on it) or the downstairs bathroom, although he still uses his bathroom to shower.
• Takes me for granted.
  
• Does not cook. I taught him how to roast chicken and potatoes. Fortunately, he could eat it every day. I used to spend a lot of time cooking dinners that he would tell me were, "huh? Fine." No longer.
• Only ever given me one Christmas gift, and that was the first year we were together when he put me on his cell phone plan and I got a new cell phone. No birthday gifts, ever. Although I always get taken to dinner and sometimes get a card.
  
• He perseverates. Fixates on an idea or a thing until he's fully knowledgeable about it, and then he lectures to me about that thing, thinking we're "having a conversation." When we talk about the same thing over and over again, and I don't respond or pay attention? We're not having a conversation. Right now it's his job. He's bored me with so many of the details and daily minutae, that I no longer want to hear anything about it.
• I quit doing his laundry, so if he wants clean clothes, he's got to do it himself.
  

Last weekend he made a joke (not) about me being ugly. His response to my complaint "oh, honey, I've never thought you were ugly," seems to imply "although you are now." Doesn't it?

It's just...it's just not working.

The thing that has been holding me back is...that if I leave him, I'll once again be on my own, no backup, no one to "save me." Oh it's not him doing the saving; it's his parents. They have a few bucks put away, and they bail their two over-forty kids out--including now me and his brothers' girlfriend--whenever we fall. Hell, they just gave him a very nice mini-van. Just...gave it to him. He didn't even need one. Surprise!

So there's that. I also spend holidays with them, which I may now have to spend alone...? Or make more friends? I don't know.

I just know...it's over. Finally. In my heart and my mind, I'm done. I'm ready to walk away. And what a giant relief and sense of joy I am feeling. That only punctuates the sense of rightness to this decision.

I wish I knew someone who would rent me a room until I get on my feet....I have a job, it just doesn't pay steady; it pays by the project. I'm owed about $5,000 right now. Will I see it all at once? No. Too bad.

I'm going to start trimming back on my belongings. I've become very materialistic, using shopping like I used overeating (and now I'm back to overeating because I can't afford shopping). I have too much stuff. I have stuff I don't need. And it's all going. Out, out dreaded spot!!

LOLOL

I've already started. I'm getting rid of everything I haven't used in a year. Done. Over. Goodbye.