Well, I managed to pull my crap together for the rest of the week and have lunch with a colleague and new friend (we'd only met via email); clean the living room, try to vacuum (it just died--I wheeled it out to the bin), and even got some work done.

But as I was watching TV last night, these commercials for Cancer Centers of America came on. And it highlights cancer survivors, the wonderful care they received at CCA, and how they had a new lease on life with their cancer recovery.

These were people who embraced life, wanted to live every day to its fullest.

I wish I could be one of those people. I know that life is a gift, that it's short, believe me, I know, time has really zipped by for me. But I spend a lot of time wondering what is on "the other side." What happens after death? I think this is the thing that keeps me from dying, really, is that not knowing. Lot's of people have died before me--billions--but none of them ever came back with any reliability to tell the rest of us what it's like. Or what is our real purpose here? Life can be so very hard, so confusing, so sad. The moments of happiness are so few and far between. I never really understood or learned what it meant to be an adult. I just...don't get it. So many people I know, many younger than me, who have their shit together. And I just don't. I don't know how.

I wish I knew how to live life to the fullest--I wish I knew how to make myself feel that way. But I don't think it's something you can force. Either you have it or you don't.

I don't, and because I am aware of this, it just adds to my feelings of worthlessness, sadness, and depression.