Up 29 Hours

In an effort to put myself on a "daylight schedule," I have been up since 6pm, Friday. Which probably contributed to my repeated confusion that today was Sunday.

Since I was up early and was flush with an extra $20-, I took myself out to breakfast where I had some fabulous Eggs Benedict. With fruit. Delicious! I haven't had that in years.

Then I came home and did some actual work on a website I own, picked out letterhead stationary for a marketing blitz I am planning, and read. At 1pm, having eaten at 7am, I was hungry, and with change leftover from the $20, got some chicken fingers and onion rings at Jack in the Box. And a raspberry shake. Suuuuuper sweet. I only had about half of that.

So. Anxiety. Tomorrow I have two things penciled-in to my brain, and one of them is making me mega-anxious. But if I back out of both activities, I will feel like a shit. No one is expecting me at one of the activities, and that's the one I feel more like attending. Providing I can get up. F*ck.

This up for 24-hours shit has become a pattern, and I'm wondering if I'm simply having evasive behavior because going to sleep has become hard for me, and my brain gets on that hamster wheel and berates me over and over and over again. It's possible.

I can't take any Ambien within two hours of eating, although I've noticed sometimes that it's by as much as four or six hours--sometimes it just doesn't work. I try not to take it every night, but I have been taking it more than I care to, and I am building up a tolerance.

I'm angry today. I'm sure is self-anger redirected towards others because, when everything and everyone pisses you off? It's you. Best I didn't interact with others today. I'm not sure what I might have said or done.

And reason for my hesitation in activities tomorrow. I'm weird, lately, and I know it; I can see it in people's faces when I say something that's just not right, simply because I'm starved for human attention.

My husband will be here in three days--that will help with the lonelies. He's been working out of town for a while, about a month, actually. I shouldn't rely on him so much, but I do.

I'm tired, my ass hurts, my legs hurt, I think I may have PAD, and I should take my tired and sorry ass to bed.

Today, all in all? One of the better days, lately.