Fighting It

I am severely depressed. I know this. But I am fighting it. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to sleep all day, stay up all night, take a nap, sleep some more, eat some crap, then go back to bed.

Most days I manage to succeed--although the sleeping is still a problem, obviously. I mean, I'm typing this at 2:30am--even if I get up late, I still manage to pull myself together and act as if, go through the motions, of being a regular, normal person.

Today wasn't one of those days. I have been suffering from increasing anxiety. Today and one other day, it was paralyzing. It's really not just anxiety, but overwhelming fear. I become afraid of leaving the house, the room, or just getting out of a chair. Today was awful.There was much sleeping and avoidance behaviors involved. Avoiding things that made me scared. I believe part of this stems from my anti-anxiety medication going unfilled due to a snafu between my doctor's office and the pharmacy, and I just picked it up at 8pm tonight. It causes drowsiness, so despite wanting to take one in the car, I resisted. I'll take it when I get in bed, shortly. It's possible the anxiety is extra high because I'm detoxing from this "ID required" pharmaceutical. It's not a triplicate, but it is a Schedule IV Controlled Substance.

So despite fighting hard, and most days getting "through it," some days are just shit. Like today. I did nothing of worth except go to the pharmacy. I did no work, I did no household chores, I did no laundry, I didn't shower. I did put on clothes, including a bra and some light makeup, to go to the pharmacy, but my hair went into a ponytail, unwashed.

I'm hoping for more tomorrow. This is really crippling, and really pisses me off.