And here I thought I was cranky and depressed the last few days. Turns out that I'm sick, evidently!! Way to be in touch with your body!
The whining will re-commence when my joints quit aching.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
New Normal?
I want so much to be a regular person. One who gets up at 6am, puts on workout clothes, walks 2 miles, comes home, puts on coffee, showers, and starts their day whether that's working at home or going to a standard job.
I was that person for a long time--except for the exercise part *ahem*--and I remember I could only cope with it for a short time. Eventually I get bored, restless, and resentful. Mostly I can last about two years in the same position until I start to lose my mind.
I want things to be different. I want to be a "regular" person. I want to be productive, I want to contribute to society and my community, I want to be liked and valued. Maybe that's my problem. I wasn't for such a long time.
Also, I know how my brain works, and my brain causes me to fuck up, regularly. I have something called Visual and Auditory Processing Disorder.
I cannot follow verbal directions if there are more than two, or at max, three directions. My mother said she noticed this when I was a child and she would tell me, "go to your room, put on your shoes, socks, and meet me back here." She says I would go to my room, put on my socks, forget why I was there, then she'd have to come find me invariably playing with something that had caught my eye.
Oh, the ADHD (at that time--I grew out of the "H" part in my 20s).
Spatially, I have difficulty putting things in space. Also, if my brain is overloaded, I can literally overlook the item I am specifically looking for. Like magic. Things disappear and reappear to me as if they were rabbits in a hat. Like the time I lost my glasses--and they were on top of my head. Or when I needed a spatula, or the remote, or a pair of shoes, or my car keys--and I knew where I had left them, but they weren't there. In reality, I just had not seen them. So when I look for things, I tend to say them out loud, "Keys, looking for my keys," because it helps me focus and if there is someone else around, I can engage their help.
It's really hard sometimes living this way, but then, it's all I've ever know. It still is irritating, though. And part of the reason I love magic (in books, not that fake stuff they do on stage, I hate that); because it feels real to me, even though I know it's not.
My mother says that to compensate for all the bad wiring G*d gave my brain, he made me very smart. Unfortunately, I'm just smart enough to know that I'm not all that smart. And as I age, and take different drugs, my brain slows down just a little bit more.
I'm hard on myself because I've lived with myself a long time, over 40 years, and I know the imaginative and amazing ways I fuck up.
In college, I got out of Algebra, but not before getting help first. I had a tutor make me cry when he said, "I can't help you."; And then my math teacher who was getting her PhD in math at Berkeley say when reviewing my test, "You got this answer right, but I have no idea how you arrived at that answer." Guess what? Me, neither.
I then went to the disabled students office and was tested where they found, low and behold, a learning disorder regarding math. No sh*t, I thought to myself. But I got out of Algebra, fortunately, because I would never have graduated from college if it required me to pass Algebra.
So. My hours are screwed up (I've been up since 1030pm), I've probably got insomnia, my longing for normality is not strong enough to overcome my anxiety of doing things alone (yeah, I slept through the activity I wanted to attend today. Eff.), my ID keeps arguing with my ego, or however that works.
I'm applying for a county job. It looks like something I can do and would enjoy, and I'll be in close proximity to law enforcement, which I love. The mail deadline is June 9. I need to get some printer ink while I'm out today, so I can print out my app on their PDF, it's saved, in multiple places, and ready to go into the mail. So, fingers crossed. Fortunately I have a gift card to an office supply store from turning in used ink cartridges--yee haw. I love it when recycling pays off in a personal way. ;-D I'll also be looking for some letterhead stationary while I'm out to start marketing a small editorial business I have had on the side for a while. I've got a great marketing plan, and I just need to get my name out there.
And I want to stop being scared all the time.
I was that person for a long time--except for the exercise part *ahem*--and I remember I could only cope with it for a short time. Eventually I get bored, restless, and resentful. Mostly I can last about two years in the same position until I start to lose my mind.
I want things to be different. I want to be a "regular" person. I want to be productive, I want to contribute to society and my community, I want to be liked and valued. Maybe that's my problem. I wasn't for such a long time.
Also, I know how my brain works, and my brain causes me to fuck up, regularly. I have something called Visual and Auditory Processing Disorder.
I cannot follow verbal directions if there are more than two, or at max, three directions. My mother said she noticed this when I was a child and she would tell me, "go to your room, put on your shoes, socks, and meet me back here." She says I would go to my room, put on my socks, forget why I was there, then she'd have to come find me invariably playing with something that had caught my eye.
Oh, the ADHD (at that time--I grew out of the "H" part in my 20s).
Spatially, I have difficulty putting things in space. Also, if my brain is overloaded, I can literally overlook the item I am specifically looking for. Like magic. Things disappear and reappear to me as if they were rabbits in a hat. Like the time I lost my glasses--and they were on top of my head. Or when I needed a spatula, or the remote, or a pair of shoes, or my car keys--and I knew where I had left them, but they weren't there. In reality, I just had not seen them. So when I look for things, I tend to say them out loud, "Keys, looking for my keys," because it helps me focus and if there is someone else around, I can engage their help.
It's really hard sometimes living this way, but then, it's all I've ever know. It still is irritating, though. And part of the reason I love magic (in books, not that fake stuff they do on stage, I hate that); because it feels real to me, even though I know it's not.
My mother says that to compensate for all the bad wiring G*d gave my brain, he made me very smart. Unfortunately, I'm just smart enough to know that I'm not all that smart. And as I age, and take different drugs, my brain slows down just a little bit more.
I'm hard on myself because I've lived with myself a long time, over 40 years, and I know the imaginative and amazing ways I fuck up.
In college, I got out of Algebra, but not before getting help first. I had a tutor make me cry when he said, "I can't help you."; And then my math teacher who was getting her PhD in math at Berkeley say when reviewing my test, "You got this answer right, but I have no idea how you arrived at that answer." Guess what? Me, neither.
I then went to the disabled students office and was tested where they found, low and behold, a learning disorder regarding math. No sh*t, I thought to myself. But I got out of Algebra, fortunately, because I would never have graduated from college if it required me to pass Algebra.
So. My hours are screwed up (I've been up since 1030pm), I've probably got insomnia, my longing for normality is not strong enough to overcome my anxiety of doing things alone (yeah, I slept through the activity I wanted to attend today. Eff.), my ID keeps arguing with my ego, or however that works.
I'm applying for a county job. It looks like something I can do and would enjoy, and I'll be in close proximity to law enforcement, which I love. The mail deadline is June 9. I need to get some printer ink while I'm out today, so I can print out my app on their PDF, it's saved, in multiple places, and ready to go into the mail. So, fingers crossed. Fortunately I have a gift card to an office supply store from turning in used ink cartridges--yee haw. I love it when recycling pays off in a personal way. ;-D I'll also be looking for some letterhead stationary while I'm out to start marketing a small editorial business I have had on the side for a while. I've got a great marketing plan, and I just need to get my name out there.
And I want to stop being scared all the time.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Up 29 Hours
In an effort to put myself on a "daylight schedule," I have been up since 6pm, Friday. Which probably contributed to my repeated confusion that today was Sunday.
Since I was up early and was flush with an extra $20-, I took myself out to breakfast where I had some fabulous Eggs Benedict. With fruit. Delicious! I haven't had that in years.
Then I came home and did some actual work on a website I own, picked out letterhead stationary for a marketing blitz I am planning, and read. At 1pm, having eaten at 7am, I was hungry, and with change leftover from the $20, got some chicken fingers and onion rings at Jack in the Box. And a raspberry shake. Suuuuuper sweet. I only had about half of that.
So. Anxiety. Tomorrow I have two things penciled-in to my brain, and one of them is making me mega-anxious. But if I back out of both activities, I will feel like a shit. No one is expecting me at one of the activities, and that's the one I feel more like attending. Providing I can get up. F*ck.
This up for 24-hours shit has become a pattern, and I'm wondering if I'm simply having evasive behavior because going to sleep has become hard for me, and my brain gets on that hamster wheel and berates me over and over and over again. It's possible.
I can't take any Ambien within two hours of eating, although I've noticed sometimes that it's by as much as four or six hours--sometimes it just doesn't work. I try not to take it every night, but I have been taking it more than I care to, and I am building up a tolerance.
I'm angry today. I'm sure is self-anger redirected towards others because, when everything and everyone pisses you off? It's you. Best I didn't interact with others today. I'm not sure what I might have said or done.
And reason for my hesitation in activities tomorrow. I'm weird, lately, and I know it; I can see it in people's faces when I say something that's just not right, simply because I'm starved for human attention.
My husband will be here in three days--that will help with the lonelies. He's been working out of town for a while, about a month, actually. I shouldn't rely on him so much, but I do.
I'm tired, my ass hurts, my legs hurt, I think I may have PAD, and I should take my tired and sorry ass to bed.
Today, all in all? One of the better days, lately.
Since I was up early and was flush with an extra $20-, I took myself out to breakfast where I had some fabulous Eggs Benedict. With fruit. Delicious! I haven't had that in years.
Then I came home and did some actual work on a website I own, picked out letterhead stationary for a marketing blitz I am planning, and read. At 1pm, having eaten at 7am, I was hungry, and with change leftover from the $20, got some chicken fingers and onion rings at Jack in the Box. And a raspberry shake. Suuuuuper sweet. I only had about half of that.
So. Anxiety. Tomorrow I have two things penciled-in to my brain, and one of them is making me mega-anxious. But if I back out of both activities, I will feel like a shit. No one is expecting me at one of the activities, and that's the one I feel more like attending. Providing I can get up. F*ck.
This up for 24-hours shit has become a pattern, and I'm wondering if I'm simply having evasive behavior because going to sleep has become hard for me, and my brain gets on that hamster wheel and berates me over and over and over again. It's possible.
I can't take any Ambien within two hours of eating, although I've noticed sometimes that it's by as much as four or six hours--sometimes it just doesn't work. I try not to take it every night, but I have been taking it more than I care to, and I am building up a tolerance.
I'm angry today. I'm sure is self-anger redirected towards others because, when everything and everyone pisses you off? It's you. Best I didn't interact with others today. I'm not sure what I might have said or done.
And reason for my hesitation in activities tomorrow. I'm weird, lately, and I know it; I can see it in people's faces when I say something that's just not right, simply because I'm starved for human attention.
My husband will be here in three days--that will help with the lonelies. He's been working out of town for a while, about a month, actually. I shouldn't rely on him so much, but I do.
I'm tired, my ass hurts, my legs hurt, I think I may have PAD, and I should take my tired and sorry ass to bed.
Today, all in all? One of the better days, lately.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Dealing With Anxiety
When I have severe, serious anxiety? To deal with it, I simply remove myself from whatever is making me anxious. Nervous about going to an event/party/etc? Don't go. Anxiety lifts immediately. Nervous about work? Call in sick. No more anxiety. TV show bothering me? Change channels.
I know this is not a good way to deal with anxiety, but it's the only way I know how without medication, and no one will renew the anxiety medication I used to take (and took for seven years.)
I'll revisit this topic later. Right now I have goop on my hair I need to rinse out.
L8rs.
I know this is not a good way to deal with anxiety, but it's the only way I know how without medication, and no one will renew the anxiety medication I used to take (and took for seven years.)
I'll revisit this topic later. Right now I have goop on my hair I need to rinse out.
L8rs.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Effed Up Sleep Patterns
For the past few days, since Memorial Day, I have been staying up until dawn, and then sleeping until 5pm or later. I've been staring, slack-jawed and drooling, at MSNBC and CNN and the oil spill gusher. I've watched Anderson Cooper 360; Countdown With Keith Olbermann; Rachel Maddow; and Morning Joe. Live and on DVR. Repeatedly.
Last night/this morning (?) I went to bed around 5am, read until 7am, had a blood glucose crash about 2:30pm, got up, ate, and stared at TV until 9pm, then got on the net until now. I was on my way to bed, but was caught in a chat on FB.
Perhaps I can get on a regular sleep schedule? I feel like my body is on a 36-hour schedule. I'm just not tired at 11pm, midnight, or later.
I'm not manic, I just lay around and watch TV. I haven't even been outside to check the mail since Saturday. I'm just.... breathing in and out.
Even knowing that my behavior and sleep patterns are not normal, does not mean that I am capable of fixing them. Why? Because I don't care.
Thankfully I made two pans of ground turkey enchiladas last week, or I'd be living on cereal and toast. And chocolate covered dried fruit medley from Trader Joe's Addicting.
I'm thinking of going out this weekend and drink waaaaaay too much. But how would I get home? Hmm...
Can you tell I'm unemployed? I feel completely unemploy-able.
Last night/this morning (?) I went to bed around 5am, read until 7am, had a blood glucose crash about 2:30pm, got up, ate, and stared at TV until 9pm, then got on the net until now. I was on my way to bed, but was caught in a chat on FB.
Perhaps I can get on a regular sleep schedule? I feel like my body is on a 36-hour schedule. I'm just not tired at 11pm, midnight, or later.
I'm not manic, I just lay around and watch TV. I haven't even been outside to check the mail since Saturday. I'm just.... breathing in and out.
Even knowing that my behavior and sleep patterns are not normal, does not mean that I am capable of fixing them. Why? Because I don't care.
Thankfully I made two pans of ground turkey enchiladas last week, or I'd be living on cereal and toast. And chocolate covered dried fruit medley from Trader Joe's Addicting.
I'm thinking of going out this weekend and drink waaaaaay too much. But how would I get home? Hmm...
Can you tell I'm unemployed? I feel completely unemploy-able.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Gah
I feel as if I've done nearly everything with my life that I want to do, with a few exceptions. I've been married, I've been pregnant (aborted, never wanted to be a mom and never regretted it), I've traveled to other countries, I graduated from college, made friends, had lovers, loved animals, read good books, eaten good food.
With a few exceptions, I feel like I've done everything that I've wanted to do. I don't feel like I have the energy or the interest to do anything else. There are a couple of places in the world that I would like to travel to, but I have real doubts about my ability to do that. It's useless to think about that now.
I'm unemployed, but I just signed up for COBRA insurance from my last job, and if mental health is included in that, I'll go. I already take an anti-depressant, but clearly it's not helping.
I'm a miserable human being.
It's lonesome here alone in the self-contained snowglobe.
With a few exceptions, I feel like I've done everything that I've wanted to do. I don't feel like I have the energy or the interest to do anything else. There are a couple of places in the world that I would like to travel to, but I have real doubts about my ability to do that. It's useless to think about that now.
I'm unemployed, but I just signed up for COBRA insurance from my last job, and if mental health is included in that, I'll go. I already take an anti-depressant, but clearly it's not helping.
I'm a miserable human being.
It's lonesome here alone in the self-contained snowglobe.
Depression Self-Test
My life feels like I'm trapped in a snowglobe, or not living, simply existing, as the case may be.
Here are some of the symptoms of depression I stole off the innerwebs. My replies are in red.
DELAY IN FALLING ASLEEP AND RESTLESS SLEEPING
Yep. I stayed up Monday night until about 1 o'clock in the afternoon so I could run some errands in the morning--I knew I wouldn't get up in time. Then I slept from six o'clock pm until midnight. I'm going to bed after I'm done with this. I hope.
WAKING UP TOO EARLY
Almost never.
SLEEPING TOO MUCH
Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I slept until 5pm--after going to bed around 2am.
FEELING SAD
Definitely.
FEELING OVERPOWERED
And undersmart. Just smart enough to know I'm not that smart.
DECREASED OR INCREASED APPETITE
Decreased. I eat about once a day, and snack a couple of times. Definitely unusual.
SUDDEN LOSS/GAIN OF WEIGHT
Nope, neither.
CONCENTRATION/DECISION MAKING
Definitely.
DECREASED SELF ESTEEM
Even commercials can cause me to doubt myself and feel stupid.
THOUGHTS OF DEATH OR SUICIDE
Quite a bit.
LACK OF INTEREST
The only thing that seems to pique my interest is shopping, which I can't really afford because I'm unemployed.
ENERGY LEVEL
Low. Very low.
FEELING RESTLESS
That too. I feel like a pinball sometimes, even while sitting still.
FEELING LIKE MOVING OR SPEAKING IS MUCH SLOWER
Definitely. My brain feels like it needs to be warmed up before speaking.
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