A Wing and a Prayer

We're makin' it, but just barely.

All the bills are paid,(except one, that being half of the rent, but I'm putting that check in the mail today), the refrigerator has groceries, the Internet and TV (still) work, an oscillating fan is running, but there's nothing left over.

I have been waiting on a claim from my eye insurance company for my glasses. I'd been checking online and it had been status "paid" since a week ago Friday. And yesterday the two checks arrived. Not a gazillion dollars, not by a long shot. But enough for me to get a pedicure for my job testing thing on Monday, and out of the house to see a movie with leftover to save for the next bill.

But I did something stupid. Well, naive, if nothing else. I found a local ATM that would deposit into my credit union account back in the state we just moved out of. And it wouldn't give me ANY cash back. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. There I was at 9am, showered, dressed, even wearing makeup and jewelry, ready to actually "do" something, and the brakes slammed on and I had nothing to do but go back home. Pitiful.

I could've cashed the checks at Wal-Mart, $3- per check. But the amount was too low to really warrant spending $6- to have them cashed. And then on the way home, too late, I remembered that one of the Casinos nearby would cash them for free. *sigh* And I can't touch the money until Thursday--five days away. Great.

I don't know what I was thinking, honestly. Maybe my brain has finally been pickled by the heat.

So I texted my hubby where he's working out-of-state to see if he was awake, he said he wasn't, I asked him to call me later. I came home, stayed up as late as I could, then took an Ambien and got on the pull-out bed in the liv room. (It's way too hot to sleep upstairs--our bedroom gets direct afternoon sunlight). This was at noon.

At 10:30pm, loud banging on the front door woke me up. Then I saw flashlights coming through the sliding door on the patio into the dining room. And of course, last night was the first night in who-knows-how-long I decided to sleep in the nude. So I grabbed a blanket and walkrd over to the sliding door (left slightly open for the cats with sliding door locks on), and talk to a fireman, who is backed up by other fireman, who want to know if I'm all right. (Am I depressed? I lied and said "no." Am I diabetic? "Yes, yes I am.") My husband had been trying to reach me since noon, and between the spotty cell signal and Ambien, I didn't hear the phone ring. I reassured the firemen and they took off. (I am wondering what the neighbors thought about that? LOL.)

My husband was (rightly) concerned that I may have fallen into a diabetic coma. But even more accurately and therefore scary, I'm sure he was more concerned about suicide. And that truth is a hard one to accept: I have thought about it a lot. I've even told him that sometimes I think about it. I'm not sure why I told him. Attention? Intervention? A cry for help? I don't know. But the idea that today my husband thought I might be dead, at my own hand, became tangibly REAL. Not a mythical ennui "oh, I wish I were dead," dramatic Hollywood way, but in a very final, rotting carcass kind of way. And even though I don't want to be dead--I really don't--I just feel so done with life. I'm done. The physical pain, the emotional pain, the constant struggling financially. I am tired of it. And although I do think about suicide frequently, I'm not sure that I want my family and friends to pay the price for my suffering. No, I am sure. I don't want them to suffer the consequences of my actions. But man. I'm a miserable human being.

The Truth About Money

I quit a really, really, really crappy and low-paying job--one we moved hundreds of miles away for me to take--after completing training, which was 30 days. The job made me anxious and fearful and I could not live in that state of mind. Looooong story. After taxes and other deductions like medical etc., I was bringing home about $250 a week. About one could expect to make at a fast food place.

Add to that I sucked at the position and my training leader suggested I get out while the going was good (i.e., before I got fired), and I talked with my husband about it, and he said if he got a job--any job--I could. And the Saturday after I completed training, he did get a job. A temporary job, but a job, nonetheless. One that requires him to work in another state, where he sleeps in the back of our mini-van where we threw in a mattress we found. It's very comfortable, there's no seats in the back, but after a couple of weeks of that? It's no longer fun or comfortable. But he's doing it, for me, for him, for us.

I spoke to him today and he denies memory of setting up the e-mail. I choose to believe him. He calls me multiple times per day; texts me; and posts a lot on Facebook how much he loves me, ad nauseum. If he's cheating, he's hella good at hiding it, and I can spot the best of them. I can't live in a state of distrust, so I'm going to let it ride. If he is genuinely cheating, eventually the truth will come out and it will collapse organically (either his lovers or our marriage).

But here's the deal:

I spoke yesterday of his ability to fuck up. And so he has. He worked for six weeks, slept in the van, had showers and food out, paid a lot of bills, but neglected to put money aside for our rent for July. I asked him to do it, he nodded his head, which usually means "I'm nodding at you so you'll leave me alone even though I have no idea what I'm nodding for."

He got one last (weekly) check for his temp work, and he paid half the rent for July. Our landlady was thrilled. NOT.

But it gets worse.

And perhaps this is why we are married--we each fuck up in the same way.

While I was working, I was trying to sort out several months of back unemployment that I was owed. It literally took months to resolve. Once it did, I had already received my second paycheck. I chucked $1,000 at my husband's bank account to cover checks he wrote for an unemployment check he was expecting that magically got effed up by the state (again. Sigh.). So I wasn't able to put any aside like I wanted. Plus, I felt so flush, I started doing a lot of shopping. Nothing grand, no: a bath towel, hand towel, and washcloth for the downstairs half bath; a cabinet for the 1/2 bath to store cat litter, etc. in; earrings; a couple of t-shirts; a CD; a new wifi N router; two pairs of new glasses (and such a deal!) and so on. By the time it was all over, I probably blew through $300- and another $300- for the glasses (which i desperately needed). Not a make or break situation. And I reiterate that all bills were also paid.

But then we decided to keep me on Cobra. That was $750-, for two months, and left me broke. And then my husband blew a bunch of money on meals out for himself and us together, and evidently it ate up most of that week's paycheck. And so half a month for July. He is very good at math, and I always expect him to keep good track of his money, but he doesn't. And why do I keep expecting it?

We are fucking broke.

He's back to work, now, but his first check won't be for two weeks. And that needs to cover the rest of our July rent. The other two checks (if there are two more weeks of work) will go to August rent. And if there's anything left over? Bills.

We were just barely able to pay our car insurance, today, but that's because he borrowed $200- from his father so he could go to work out of state. I don't know what he's eating, but it must be cheap.

We are in deep doo-doo. Particularly since the Senate did not renew the unemployment extension.

Granted, I probably shouldn't have quit the horrible job, but mentally it was just a really bad place for me to be (for example, being timed in the bathroom). I got an email from a former co-worker today, and of the 26 people I started training with, only 14 are left. In a 3 1/2 month period! One actually got up at break-time when I was still there, grabbed his stuff, and never came back. Really. It wasn't just me, it was bad. The union steward told me that they thought attrition was 50 - 65%. This whopping huge corporation can afford that because training costs are a write-off. It's a people factory.

But. Here we are. At the corner of fucked and now what? and the answer is "I don't know." I sold a couple of books on Amazon, but I don't have any money to actually put them in the mail; I also am expecting a claim check from my vision insurer (I never actually got the info on the benefits until after I had quit), but I have no idea how much that will be. The power, cell, and internet are all paid; the DirecTV is not. I hate to give it up because it takes up so much of my day and night--if I'm not reading, writing, or cleaning house, I'm watching politics.

I have no money to market a few gigs I do on the side, so I have no clients. Craig's list? I suppose I could try it.

e-Bay I can't afford either--they charge you whether you sell or not.

So where will we be in a month? I don't know. I don't know.

A woman i was in college with and who was a HUGE pain in the ass--she annoyed nearly everyone--just got a good job. That makes me feel like shit.

I have noticed more jobs that I'm qualified for on the net lately; yesterday I applied for five alone. Let's see if I get an interview.

Exhale.

We have nothing. Who would want our used furniture? Analog TV, and old CDs. Even my laptop is falling apart.

I'm paralyzed with fear. I can't decide what to do, so I do nothing.

The Truth About My Marriage.

The possibility of a large amount of money entering my life came up recently. How much, I don't know. But. My first thought? If it were enough to get away from here, what would I take with me? And I started making a mental list.

Both cats.
Laptop.
Clothes/shoes.
DVD's.
Some books.
My Jim Shore ornaments.
My bed. I love my bed. I brought it to the relationship although we bought a new mattress together. But I could walk away from it if I had to.

And I could just walk away with those few things. And I know where I would go. To stay, permanently.

I just discovered that my husband has an e-mail I didn't know about. And he denies it. His name is unusual. How many people could there be in this medium-size town with that name? I'm thinking only one.

I put up with a lot of shit with my husband. He's kind, thoughtful, and a good listener. He's not judgmental. He fills an emotional need in me by allowing to be myself and speak my mind. He's handsome and unchallenging, sexually, which I like. I tired of freaks in the bedroom years ago. And I no longer care if I can drive a man wild in bed.

And.

He is a fuckup. He cannot hold a job, and hasn't had a permanent job since I've known him. We have highs and lows, financially. Of course I haven't worked much myself in the last five years, and now I don't feel capable of doing that. I'm seriously considering going on disability.

I was willing to put up with his up-fuckery for the sake of the fulfillment of my emotional needs. Now I'm not so sure.

He also breaks things. He doesn't mean to, but it finally dawned on me the other day that he is not aware of his surroundings. When driving, he doesn't notice the most obvious things--like dead animals in the road (he drives right over them); parking spaces (he circles the lot until he finds one as far from the door as possible); gas stations, too; signs; things in the sky; jaywalkers--he just lives in his mind so much. He is on the autism spectrum so intellectually I know he can't help it, but realistically it makes him very hard to deal with. And so he breaks things because he is not fully present most of the time.

I'm so sad all the time. I feel like....I feel as if I've lived my life, I'm done. There is nothing more I want to do. Or am capable of doing. I feel like I'm waiting to die. I feel like everything I do now, I have to fake, emotionally. I feel shut down, closed down, emotionless. One day blurs into the next.

I'm so unhappy. But I don't have the energy or the interest to fix it. I just don't care. I can't even decide if I want to stay in or end my marriage.

I haven't had use of my computer much the last few weeks because he was using it. His won't connect to the wifi here. Normally I wouldn't let him touch my computer (due to breaking shite and also being ultra-nosey, busting into my emails), but I had reconciled myself to being attached to him, warts and all, and so I wasn't really able to blog due to lack of access and just not thinking real clearly, either.

Imagine That

And here I thought I was cranky and depressed the last few days. Turns out that I'm sick, evidently!! Way to be in touch with your body!

The whining will re-commence when my joints quit aching.

New Normal?

I want so much to be a regular person. One who gets up at 6am, puts on workout clothes, walks 2 miles, comes home, puts on coffee, showers, and starts their day whether that's working at home or going to a standard job.

I was that person for a long time--except for the exercise part *ahem*--and I remember I could only cope with it for a short time. Eventually I get bored, restless, and resentful. Mostly I can last about two years in the same position until I start to lose my mind.

I want things to be different. I want to be a "regular" person. I want to be productive, I want to contribute to society and my community, I want to be liked and valued. Maybe that's my problem. I wasn't for such a long time.

Also, I know how my brain works, and my brain causes me to fuck up, regularly. I have something called Visual and Auditory Processing Disorder.

I cannot follow verbal directions if there are more than two, or at max, three directions. My mother said she noticed this when I was a child and she would tell me, "go to your room, put on your shoes, socks, and meet me back here." She says I would go to my room, put on my socks, forget why I was there, then she'd have to come find me invariably playing with something that had caught my eye.

Oh, the ADHD (at that time--I grew out of the "H" part in my 20s).

Spatially, I have difficulty putting things in space. Also, if my brain is overloaded, I can literally overlook the item I am specifically looking for. Like magic. Things disappear and reappear to me as if they were rabbits in a hat. Like the time I lost my glasses--and they were on top of my head. Or when I needed a spatula, or the remote, or a pair of shoes, or my car keys--and I knew where I had left them, but they weren't there. In reality, I just had not seen them. So when I look for things, I tend to say them out loud, "Keys, looking for my keys," because it helps me focus and if there is someone else around, I can engage their help.

It's really hard sometimes living this way, but then, it's all I've ever know. It still is irritating, though. And part of the reason I love magic (in books, not that fake stuff they do on stage, I hate that); because it feels real to me, even though I know it's not.

My mother says that to compensate for all the bad wiring G*d gave my brain, he made me very smart. Unfortunately, I'm just smart enough to know that I'm not all that smart. And as I age, and take different drugs, my brain slows down just a little bit more.

I'm hard on myself because I've lived with myself a long time, over 40 years, and I know the imaginative and amazing ways I fuck up.

In college, I got out of Algebra, but not before getting help first. I had a tutor make me cry when he said, "I can't help you."; And then my math teacher who was getting her PhD in math at Berkeley say when reviewing my test, "You got this answer right, but I have no idea how you arrived at that answer." Guess what? Me, neither.

I then went to the disabled students office and was tested where they found, low and behold, a learning disorder regarding math. No sh*t, I thought to myself. But I got out of Algebra, fortunately, because I would never have graduated from college if it required me to pass Algebra.

So. My hours are screwed up (I've been up since 1030pm), I've probably got insomnia, my longing for normality is not strong enough to overcome my anxiety of doing things alone (yeah, I slept through the activity I wanted to attend today. Eff.), my ID keeps arguing with my ego, or however that works.

I'm applying for a county job. It looks like something I can do and would enjoy, and I'll be in close proximity to law enforcement, which I love. The mail deadline is June 9. I need to get some printer ink while I'm out today, so I can print out my app on their PDF, it's saved, in multiple places, and ready to go into the mail. So, fingers crossed. Fortunately I have a gift card to an office supply store from turning in used ink cartridges--yee haw. I love it when recycling pays off in a personal way. ;-D I'll also be looking for some letterhead stationary while I'm out to start marketing a small editorial business I have had on the side for a while. I've got a great marketing plan, and I just need to get my name out there.

And I want to stop being scared all the time.

Up 29 Hours

In an effort to put myself on a "daylight schedule," I have been up since 6pm, Friday. Which probably contributed to my repeated confusion that today was Sunday.

Since I was up early and was flush with an extra $20-, I took myself out to breakfast where I had some fabulous Eggs Benedict. With fruit. Delicious! I haven't had that in years.

Then I came home and did some actual work on a website I own, picked out letterhead stationary for a marketing blitz I am planning, and read. At 1pm, having eaten at 7am, I was hungry, and with change leftover from the $20, got some chicken fingers and onion rings at Jack in the Box. And a raspberry shake. Suuuuuper sweet. I only had about half of that.

So. Anxiety. Tomorrow I have two things penciled-in to my brain, and one of them is making me mega-anxious. But if I back out of both activities, I will feel like a shit. No one is expecting me at one of the activities, and that's the one I feel more like attending. Providing I can get up. F*ck.

This up for 24-hours shit has become a pattern, and I'm wondering if I'm simply having evasive behavior because going to sleep has become hard for me, and my brain gets on that hamster wheel and berates me over and over and over again. It's possible.

I can't take any Ambien within two hours of eating, although I've noticed sometimes that it's by as much as four or six hours--sometimes it just doesn't work. I try not to take it every night, but I have been taking it more than I care to, and I am building up a tolerance.

I'm angry today. I'm sure is self-anger redirected towards others because, when everything and everyone pisses you off? It's you. Best I didn't interact with others today. I'm not sure what I might have said or done.

And reason for my hesitation in activities tomorrow. I'm weird, lately, and I know it; I can see it in people's faces when I say something that's just not right, simply because I'm starved for human attention.

My husband will be here in three days--that will help with the lonelies. He's been working out of town for a while, about a month, actually. I shouldn't rely on him so much, but I do.

I'm tired, my ass hurts, my legs hurt, I think I may have PAD, and I should take my tired and sorry ass to bed.

Today, all in all? One of the better days, lately.

Dealing With Anxiety

When I have severe, serious anxiety? To deal with it, I simply remove myself from whatever is making me anxious. Nervous about going to an event/party/etc? Don't go. Anxiety lifts immediately. Nervous about work? Call in sick. No more anxiety. TV show bothering me? Change channels.

I know this is not a good way to deal with anxiety, but it's the only way I know how without medication, and no one will renew the anxiety medication I used to take (and took for seven years.)

I'll revisit this topic later. Right now I have goop on my hair I need to rinse out.

L8rs.

Effed Up Sleep Patterns

For the past few days, since Memorial Day, I have been staying up until dawn, and then sleeping until 5pm or later. I've been staring, slack-jawed and drooling, at MSNBC and CNN and the oil spill gusher. I've watched Anderson Cooper 360; Countdown With Keith Olbermann; Rachel Maddow; and Morning Joe. Live and on DVR. Repeatedly.

Last night/this morning (?) I went to bed around 5am, read until 7am, had a blood glucose crash about 2:30pm, got up, ate, and stared at TV until 9pm, then got on the net until now. I was on my way to bed, but was caught in a chat on FB.

Perhaps I can get on a regular sleep schedule? I feel like my body is on a 36-hour schedule. I'm just not tired at 11pm, midnight, or later.

I'm not manic, I just lay around and watch TV. I haven't even been outside to check the mail since Saturday. I'm just.... breathing in and out.

Even knowing that my behavior and sleep patterns are not normal, does not mean that I am capable of fixing them. Why? Because I don't care.

Thankfully I made two pans of ground turkey enchiladas last week, or I'd be living on cereal and toast. And chocolate covered dried fruit medley from Trader Joe's Addicting.

I'm thinking of going out this weekend and drink waaaaaay too much. But how would I get home? Hmm...

Can you tell I'm unemployed? I feel completely unemploy-able.

Gah

I feel as if I've done nearly everything with my life that I want to do, with a few exceptions. I've been married, I've been pregnant (aborted, never wanted to be a mom and never regretted it), I've traveled to other countries, I graduated from college, made friends, had lovers, loved animals, read good books, eaten good food.

With a few exceptions, I feel like I've done everything that I've wanted to do. I don't feel like I have the energy or the interest to do anything else. There are a couple of places in the world that I would like to travel to, but I have real doubts about my ability to do that. It's useless to think about that now.

I'm unemployed, but I just signed up for COBRA insurance from my last job, and if mental health is included in that, I'll go. I already take an anti-depressant, but clearly it's not helping.

I'm a miserable human being.

It's lonesome here alone in the self-contained snowglobe.

Depression Self-Test

My life feels like I'm trapped in a snowglobe, or not living, simply existing, as the case may be.

Here are some of the symptoms of depression I stole off the innerwebs. My replies are in red.

DELAY IN FALLING ASLEEP AND RESTLESS SLEEPING

Yep. I stayed up Monday night until about 1 o'clock in the afternoon so I could run some errands in the morning--I knew I wouldn't get up in time. Then I slept from six o'clock pm until midnight. I'm going to bed after I'm done with this. I hope.

WAKING UP TOO EARLY

Almost never.

SLEEPING TOO MUCH

Last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I slept until 5pm--after going to bed around 2am.

FEELING SAD

Definitely.

FEELING OVERPOWERED

And undersmart. Just smart enough to know I'm not that smart.

DECREASED OR INCREASED APPETITE

Decreased. I eat about once a day, and snack a couple of times. Definitely unusual.

SUDDEN LOSS/GAIN OF WEIGHT

Nope, neither.

CONCENTRATION/DECISION MAKING

Definitely.

DECREASED SELF ESTEEM

Even commercials can cause me to doubt myself and feel stupid.

THOUGHTS OF DEATH OR SUICIDE

Quite a bit.

LACK OF INTEREST

The only thing that seems to pique my interest is shopping, which I can't really afford because I'm unemployed.

ENERGY LEVEL

Low. Very low.

FEELING RESTLESS

That too. I feel like a pinball sometimes, even while sitting still.

FEELING LIKE MOVING OR SPEAKING IS MUCH SLOWER

Definitely. My brain feels like it needs to be warmed up before speaking.