Some thoughts on a relationship: Whitney, RIP

I just want to relate an example of the nature of my relationship with my husband. This happened tonight, as we sat in the van out in the parking lot when we returned from the grocery store.

The side doors on our van have electronic buttons that will open the doors. I wanted that door opened on the passenger side behind me to get the box that held the leftovers of my dinner. I kept pressing the button but it wouldn't open. So I pressed unlock then the button, then the door lock and the button, and nothing; it wouldn't open. I did this about four times, pushing the buttons in different sequence.

Finally I turned to my husband who was jabbering about something (that he'd probably already told me about 5 times already), and I said, "why won't the door open?"
"Oh", he said. "Here." And he pressed the main unlock button in the door on the driver' side.

He sat there and watched me push those buttons over and over and did nothing. He lives only in his own thoughts, not in the world at large. He was not paying any attention to what I was doing. This is what my whole day is like when I spend it with him. When I speak, I have to repeat myself constantly, because he's not paying attention. Even when we're having a so-called "conversation."

***

I've been watching some music videos of Whitney Houston from her heyday in the 80s and 90s, and I've been crying. Not just her death, which is horrible--she was a year younger than me--but of the memories that come up with her music.

I can remember where I was and what I was doing the first time I saw "How Will I Know" for the first time on MTV. And the boyfriend I had. The one who died in '88 of a horrible illness. He was horrible to me a lot, but I loved him, and we had some good times, too. I don't think I'll ever really get over his death.

And the song from THE BODYGUARD, "I'll always love you" reminds me of my second husband. We had "always and forever" engraved on well, on his wedding ring. I still love him, too. He was in prison, and I found out recently (I looked up his daughter's FB page and there was a photo of him) that he had been released from prison. He looks the same, just gray hair in his goatee. I'd love to see him, but it's not a good idea on many levels. I divorced him in '97, and he may hold a grudge against me from then---or not. But I just don't want to get reinvolved with the lifestyle he lived. I don't know if he's still involved with it or not, but I don't want to run the risk. He's a good man. I wish him happiness.

This is a sad day in many ways.

I'm calling for a therapist on Monday. I wonder if I should be in the hospital? We'll see.

It's weird that Whitney is dead. I wonder what it's like, for her? What is her afterlife like? Is she happy?